Weakness….
Feeling good when waking is a good, no …..a great feeling especially when daylight is lighting up the whole room at 4.30 am and the first thoughts going through my mind are ones of a physical day. Going for a fifteen miler through Clumber Park on my mountain bike and then working up a good sweat in the gym.
But sadly those thoughts rapidly disappear as the truth shocks me back into reality as the weakness and pain in my body reminds me that today is not the day I become MS free.
The weakness is not like anything you’ve experienced, it isn’t like the tiredness you feel after a hard day of digging in the garden or loading a row of skips with rubbish, no this is weakness that makes it very difficult to stand up when getting out of bed. Taking a step and desperately grasping the door frame or chest of drawers for balance. and just when I think I’m stable there is the most frightening feeling as my whole body experiences a painful bout of spasticity. It’s a bit like an overpowering body yawn, my left leg starts to bend at the knee and my foot curls up as if my toes are trying to grip a pencil.
When this happens I’m often left standing on my right leg as my life flashes in front of me remembering the pain I was in when I buggered my right knee several years ago and praying I’m not going to collapse with my knee buckling under me.
I work out, not the same as I did of course, but I try to do some exercise most days but the tiredness and absolute weakness the day after tends to limit me somewhat.
So do I have reason to feel concerned ?, of course I do but those feelings of dread only stay for a few minutes until the unjustifiable confidence that I will get better and healthy again comes back.
I don’t think of myself as hard done by, I have MS, yes,it’s considered incurable, life threatening, I’m in pain somewhere in my body 24/7 but, I firmly believe I got MS for a reason, I believe in God and he has a plan for me. I can’t see it yet but at the end of the day I’m just one of the billions on earth and there are people a lot worse off than me so suck it up, deal with it…
I helped thousands when working for Dr.Huggins in Colorado and my blog gets almost a half million hits each year, I’m not making money from it and I pay to host it but I know it’s helping some people so I’ll keep it going as long as I can.
You never know, tomorrow might be my day….
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