Of late a couple of things have happened that has made me feel a sense of longing, it might seem like a strange thing to say but it’s true.
I get the feeling that some people, not just anyone but people I truly thought believed in me have given me the impression that they have given up on me ever being healthy again and even worse, thinking that my time here on earth is nearly over.
Well that’s not happening, not just yet anyway, of course I have no control over “acts of God” or getting run over by a car but in reality that’s not likely to happen.
It’s taken a great deal of determination to stand tall in the face of hell, but it is challenging to say the least, in fact it’s been damn hard and quite frankly a little depressing at times but I continue to refuse to be beaten.
The sense of longing takes over when I’m not reading or watching a movie or when I’m just not occupied and my mind wanders and drifts through the many beautiful memories filed in this head of mine.
Of course there are the fantastic times I had skydiving at Sibson or Langar or Z-Hills with so many friends. People that put their life in my hands and mine theirs while attempting to complete a specific set of maneuvers while falling at 120+ miles an hour.
Hang gliding, SCUBA diving, mountain biking, rock climbing and flying a small cessna.
But as I’ve coped with this disease it’s also robbed me of the companionship, the tenderness and intimacy of being with a loving woman or any woman for that matter.
The normal things that most of you take for granted just don’t happen for me, holding a womans hand or feeling a tender kiss are just distant memories for me. But, I don’t want your sympathy, I don’t want a tilting head and a sad smile or a “never mind”.
What I do want is a “be strong Stef” and a “you will do it” or “if anyone can, it’s you”.
The day is coming when I post a pic of me doing one of the things listed above..
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