Rather Be Healthy

I wrote yesterday about being a slave to perception, not mine but others in a position of power and responsibility. Others in these positions told me what they believed to be true, they didn’t do this to purposely harm me, no quite the opposite, they all believed they were helping. This is where the problem starts, the nurses (love them) and doctors etc all have been through medical training, training that focuses on the symptoms of disease which in my opinion is arse about face, s’cuse me. Obviously when it comes to trauma then this is the only and best way to help, and I have to say they do an excellent job that’s not rewarded as well as it should be, specifically nurses and junior doctors.

But in my opinion so many diseases and illnesses could and should be eased through the mind, if you believe you’re sick or believe you’re healthy, you’re right… I’m not a fool, I don’t think that just by thinking you’re healthy when you obviously are suffering with a serious disease as in my case that a 30 minute meditation will change it immediately.. But I do believe that starting with your perception, meditation, belief and prayer that it is possible the ease and certainly not exacerbate the problem. Having this perception is not an easy thing especially when there are painful debilitating symptoms but it’s possible if you believe it.

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I’m not a slave to my DNA, I’ve been a slave to my perception, the neurologist in 2004 and in 2013 told me I had MS so that’s what I believed. My perception of the dangers of the disease, the symptoms were that this was slowly going to completely debilitate me and likely end my life in a horribly painful way. That was my perception initially, I know I didn’t then and haven’t taken the drugs. Drugs that feed the perception and address some of the symptoms so no, I wouldn’t contaminate my brain and my body.

I’ve always been positive and maintained an optimistic attitude and although it’s been really difficult, I’ve managed.

This has enabled me to live a slightly better life than what could be perceived as an existence. I’m not interested in existing, that’s not an option for me, I want to freaking live, I want to be able to run the streets and drive a fast car and make passionate love with a woman again . The problem here is that the disease I was diagnosed with is according to every medical professional I’ve seen over the past twelve years is that it’s incurable. Sadly for 99.9% of sufferers that’s true, why, because that’s the perception they’ve had after consulting with the neurologist or doctor. I’ve been guilty of the same thing, inside I’ve always told myself that yes I do have this disease and yes according to the specialists, the neurologists, the experts it’s unbeatable. So that’s been my perception, it’s incurable butI will win against all odds, but that’s where I’ve been going wrong. I’ve been a slave to their perception not mine.

I believe 100% that I have symptoms, symptoms that are problematic for me but definitely not insurmountable. I’m not living in a fantasy world, I’m living in a world that anything is possible if you believe it.

I was guilty then but I’m not guilty now, now I know the truth.

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There is no financial incentive for me to maintain my blog, I just feel that it’s something I must do. In some ways it’s almost as if I’m inspiring myself, on the surface the signs of my defeat are obvious. I’m struggling in every physical way, I’m in pain 24/7 and so frustrated by my body’s inability to function in what is the most basic fashion. So by writing most days it’s a way of convincing myself that I must continue. The phrase “Against all odds” is one that I feel I must live up to, to prove I am better than, I have an inner strength far greater than that of most others. To succeed, to overcome when it feels there is no hope, when it would be so easy to give up, it’s not a nice feeling to constantly be so limited, so powerless, so weak physically, but somewhere deep inside of this strange and weird head of mine there’s a tiny light blinking on and off reminding me that although it’s dark all around me and I feel I’m trying to drag myself through a very narrow tunnel half filled with muddy water that in the distance there’s a flickering light.

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I just wanted to clarify the classification of what is considered a crime in the UK and the U.S., I was charged with a Civil offence which doesn’t require a lawyer (attorney) or a jury. A civil offence is a cross between an infraction and misdemeanor. At the end of the day my punishment was a little over the top for falling behind on maintenance (alimony) after losing my job, but it is what it is. Nineteen years ago I learned a painful lesson, but it doesn’t change who I am. I look at my life as a series of adventures, some great, some good and some hmmm, a little painful but not life changing. The one I’m participating in now slots into the last category, a challenging one but I know there will be a day (hopefully soon) that I’ll look back a say “yes it was tough but I kicked it’s butt”.

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In the early 90’s I’d been working in the I.T. industry selling computers and digital typesetting equipment, remember that this was before the technical advances we enjoy today so then it was leading edge. The company I worked for at that time was in negotiations with another American company, when they were bought there had to be some personnel changes and as the newest recruit even though I’d recently won an award I was made redundant. I think letting me go was their best financial option, so I received three months severance pay and waved bye bye. Being able to use my company car for three months would help getting into London for interviews and picking up my kids for weekends etc.

Anyway my ex wasn’t too happy knowing I wouldn’t be able to keep up with my maintenance payments although it wouldn’t affect her dramatically, sadly she decided to take me to court over this. As I mentioned yesterday she was in a very good position financially owning two houses, one at the time was worth around £350,000 and she rented out the smaller one. When I went to court I honestly expected a slap on the wrist and told to make up the shortfall as soon as I found a new job. When the three female magistrates sentenced me to 42 days in prison I was shocked and quite frankly devastated because I thought it would be the end of my visits to the USA. It was only when I came out that I learned that my civil offence didn’t have the same restrictions on travel to America, big relief to me. Four years later I was to embark on the best adventure of my life, so far of course.

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I was chatting with my niece on Tuesday about life, it’s setbacks, it’s challenges and rewards. We both agreed about something that could be looked at in a negative way although we both saw it as a major positive. We agreed that I’m slightly weird if that’s possible, I mean you either are or aren’t weird so I suppose I’m weird in a good way of course. We came to this conclusion because of the things that have happened to me over the course of my existence so far. Not something I’m proud of but in 1997 I went to jail, actually a category B prison where lots of serious criminals go to. Was I a really bad person? I don’t think so, it was because I fell behind on my maintenance payments, I’d been made redundant, had no job and thought keeping a roof over my head was slightly more important than paying maintenance to my ex wife that owned two houses with no mortgage. So because Bedford Nick was close and had space I was sent there, because of the law it was a Civil offence not a criminal offence so I don’t have a criminal record which means I’m not a real crim.

Back to my weirdness, yes I have a so called incurable disease but I don’t see this as a really bad thing, I see every day I wake up as another opportunity. A chance to prove I’m right in my reasoning, another opportunity to eat some more yummy sugar free chocolate, read another book, watch some good TV and listen to music. I’ve done hundreds of skydives, I was a scuba diver, mountain biker, rock climber, I’ve got my PPL and started my CHPL. I’ve been to 23 countries, lived in the USA for nearly eleven years. Yes there have been some crappy things happen to me but all the good stuff seriously outweighs the bad, so looking at life so far I’m happy.

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Just imagine if you saw a dog wander off and into the road then a car comes around the corner and hits the dog, you know the owner so after calling the police you go to the owner’s house and tell him the bad news. You are shocked when for some inexplicable reason he starts shouting and blaming you.

Ok my point is this, when you have a health problem the standard response is to go see the doctor, probably 90% of the time he or she gives you a prescription for a drug, I hesitate to say medicine because in most cases it’s not actually a medicine to fix the cause, it’s often a drug that in the main masks the symptoms.

Symptoms are messages from your body, an organism far more advanced than a state of the art computer. So by simply masking the symptom all you are doing is fooling the receptors in your brain into ignoring the actual problem. Imagine coming home and seeing the kitchen floor soaking wet. Do you grab a few blankets and throw them down to mop up the water? Symptoms and drugs!!!! or do you go and turn the tap off and pull the plug out of the sink, duh.

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About ten days ago I wrote of my left leg starting to swell, it was so painful to try and straighten or put any weight on it, so that was the start of a four day spell in bed. Eventually I was strong enough to actually get up and conduct my day in a relatively normal fashion, well, normal for me. Since then I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer and meditation and attempting to persuade my family and myself that my leg, although not painful was ok even though my knee and ankle were still swollen. I know I don’t know everything when it comes to health and the human body but I do know my body, personal, internal feelings tell me, and I believe I’m not misreading the signals that there’s nothing seriously wrong. I honestly believe that the two fall’s I had about two weeks ago are the reasons for the swelling and weakness, this being the case then, my thoughts are that rest, nutrition and time will heal the problem. Each day there’s been minor improvements, being able swivel my ankle and bend my toes without any pain or discomfort have assured me that I’m on the mend. Today, Monday morning, I’m able to see that I do have an ankle not a cankle and at the end of my foot there are five toes not five fat stubby things. So in my humble opinion it’s nearly over, it was my body protecting itself and not serious or worthy of a doctor or hospital visit.

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Unique.

There are days in my life that I honestly have serious thoughts about who I really am, weird..I mean here I am with a condition considered by others to be incurable, living on disability benefits spending half of each day in my bed. Knowing all this I still maintain that all the bad stuff will go away, that one day soon I will be living an amazing life. When this will happen I don’t know, how it will happen I don’t know but I do know it will happen. I look at myself and physically see a body in pain in difficulty and struggling, but I also see a body being challenged by some really shitty stuff but getting through it. Yes this is all happening but deep down in my heart I truly believe in me. Why? Because I am special, I’m different from everyone else that I know.

I’m writing this and actually laughing, I’m smiling at myself because I see things other people don’t……whoa, The Sixth Sense.

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Life is made up of a myriad of choices, decisions and actions, some are inconsequential and others life changing but they are still there to be made. My life over the past sixteen years has been very different to most others  and filled with big decisions, I went to live in a foreign country ok yes we did speak the same language, sort of, but it was vastly different in most ways. Getting accustomed and succeeding in a different way of doing business was challenging but also enjoying and extremely rewarding.

Getting married and living in Eastwick….(Desperate Housewives) no it wasn’t there specifically but that’s what it was like, the houses, the people and lifestyle were very similar. My work varied from initially working for Phil Long Ford in car sales, ok ok I had to start somewhere. ADT in the newly formed Fire Systems Group, cool job. I had several positions with other companies until I was very fortunate to become the Client Service Director with Huggins Applied Healing in Colorado Springs. A fantastic position working and studying with a world leader in his specialised field.

Before starting many of the jobs I had over an eleven year period I’d been diagnosed with the disease that shall not be named. So living in a new country, getting married then divorced and working in a very demanding area, was challenging to say the least.

The title of this post is Quitters, referring to the saying  Quitters never win, the second part of this refers to me and that is….Winners never quit.

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